I’m Tired

I’m tired of trying to meet every expectation. I’m tired of fighting myself, time and time again. I feel like I have too much on my shoulders, but when I look at people with a heavier load, I feel weak. If they can handle school, a job, and doing sports, why do I not want to work? Am I actually overloaded, or am I just lazy?

I have been making very unfair comparisons. I’m in 2 Advanced Placement classes, a member of 2 time consuming organizations, and I have riding lessons. I still want to ride, I still want to remain in those clubs, and I have to have good grades in order to pay for college. My family is able to get by without me having to work, which I know is a blessing. There are kids who have to work in order to pay for their family’s groceries. But I don’t have to work, and I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I can keep my grades and my sanity if I start working. I’m anxious and tired normally, how am I supposed to get all my homework done, and do my duties as officer for one the clubs, and keep riding, if I have to work? I’d have to sacrifice the fun things I may not be able to do in a couple years. Only one college in my state has a collegiate chapter of one of the clubs, and I probably won’t be able to afford riding on a collegiate team. I want to enjoy being young, but I know there are so many who can’t, and I hate myself for it.

I’m just so ready for this school year to be over. Next year, I’ll only be taking 1 AP course, and the rest will be electives, besides my last science credit. Waiting until senior year to work full time might be a good idea. If I just keep my focus now on passing my exams and getting more volunteer hours, I think I’ll be ok. Next year, when I have almost no homework, I might try to go back to work.

I still technically work for one place, but we worked it out that I will only work during school breaks because I can’t meet their hour requirements with all my schoolwork. That’s not really bringing in much money, and I’m not sure if I want to stay with the company. So I applied to another place on a whim, and I actually got the position (entry level food service is not hard to get into). But now I’m reconsidering my ability to balance all this. I cried when I came home from what I can barely call an interview, because I knew I didn’t apply for the job because I wanted to. I was doing it because my dad told me I should be able to work and do school, when he only did the bare minimum in high school and never went to college. I did it because all my friends, who aren’t in AP classes, all have jobs. I did it because my two AP classmates who do work remind me of what I could be doing if I was stronger. I did it because I felt like I wasn’t doing enough. I’m trying too hard to do everything at once, and I feel like if I keep pushing, I’m going to break.

Another lesson I’ve learned from having a broken toe: I need to slow down.

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